Sustaining a Strong Sexual Connection in Long-Term Relationships: Prioritizing Sex and Emotional Connection.

Introduction: The Question Every Couple Asks

As a sex educator, Emily Nagoski often gets asked the same question: how do couples sustain a strong sexual connection over multiple decades? It’s a question that many couples ask themselves, especially as they navigate the challenges of busy schedules, raising children, and maintaining a deep emotional connection.

After years of research and working with couples, Nagoski has found that couples who have strong sexual connections have two things in common. But before she shares those two things, she debunks some common myths about what makes a strong sexual connection.

The Two Things Couples with Strong Sexual Connections Have in Common

Contrary to popular belief, couples who have sex often or have wild, adventurous sex aren’t necessarily the ones with the strongest sexual connections. Instead, Nagoski explains that the two characteristics of couples who sustain a strong sexual connection over the long term are a strong friendship at the foundation of their relationship and a prioritization of sex.

The first characteristic, a strong friendship, includes a deep level of trust and emotional availability for one another. Nagoski cites the work of relationship researcher and therapist, Sue Johnson, who boils trust down to the question, “are you there for me?”

The second characteristic, prioritizing sex, means setting aside time and energy for sex as an important aspect of the relationship. Nagoski emphasizes that this doesn’t necessarily mean having sex often, but rather making a conscious decision to prioritize sexual connection.

Myth: Couples Who Have Sex Often Have Stronger Connections

One of the most pervasive myths about sexual connection is that couples who have sex often have stronger relationships. However, Nagoski explains that this is simply not true. Busy schedules, parenting responsibilities, and the general stress of life can make it difficult to find time and energy for sex.

Instead, couples who prioritize sex and make time for it in their busy lives are the ones who sustain strong sexual connections over time. By choosing to prioritize sexual connection, they are able to maintain a deep emotional and physical bond that helps them navigate the challenges of life together.

In conclusion, sustaining a strong sexual connection over the long term requires prioritizing sex and growing a strong friendship at the foundation of the relationship. By doing so, couples can maintain a deep emotional and physical connection that helps them weather the ups and downs of life together.

Myth: Couples Who Have Wild and Adventurous Sex Have Stronger Connections

There’s a common myth that couples who have wild and adventurous sex have stronger connections than those who don’t. But according to Emily Nagoski, this couldn’t be further from the truth. One recent study found that the best predictor of strong sexual and relationship satisfaction is not what kind of sex couples have or how often they have it, but whether they cuddle after sex.

The Importance of Cuddling After Sex

After sex, it’s important to take a moment to cuddle and connect with your partner. This simple act of physical closeness can have a powerful impact on your emotional connection, helping to deepen your bond and increase feelings of intimacy.

Nagoski explains that cuddling after sex is an important way to help maintain a strong sexual connection over time. By taking the time to connect emotionally after sex, couples can strengthen their bond and create a deeper sense of closeness.

Spontaneous Desire vs. Responsive Desire

Another common misconception about sexual desire is that it always occurs spontaneously. However, Nagoski explains that there are two healthy ways to experience sexual desire: spontaneous desire and responsive desire.

Spontaneous desire is when sexual desire seems to appear out of the blue, without any obvious trigger. This is often depicted in popular culture as a lightning bolt to the genitals. While this is one healthy way to experience sexual desire, it’s not the only way.

Responsive desire, on the other hand, is when sexual desire emerges in response to pleasure. This means that sexual desire is triggered by something that feels good, such as physical touch or emotional connection.

Understanding the difference between spontaneous desire and responsive desire is important for maintaining a strong sexual connection over time. By recognizing that both forms of desire are normal and healthy, couples can learn to work with their own unique desires and preferences, deepening their emotional and physical connection over time.

In conclusion, couples who have strong sexual connections prioritize emotional connection and physical closeness over wild and adventurous sex. Cuddling after sex and understanding the differences between spontaneous and responsive desire can help couples deepen their bond and maintain a strong sexual connection over time.

The Party Metaphor: Making Sex a Priority

Emily Nagoski uses a powerful metaphor to explain the importance of making sex a priority in a long-term relationship: the party metaphor. Just like going to a party with your best friend, sometimes you may not feel like having sex. But if you choose to prioritize it and show up, you may find that you have a good time and deepen your emotional and physical connection.

Nagoski explains that making sex a priority means setting aside time and energy for it, even when life gets busy. By prioritizing sexual connection, couples can maintain a deep emotional and physical bond that helps them navigate the challenges of life together.

The Problem of Sleepy Hedgehogs

One of the biggest challenges to maintaining a strong sexual connection over time is what Nagoski calls “sleepy hedgehogs.” These are the difficult feelings and issues that can arise in any long-term relationship, such as feelings of hurt, loneliness, and frustration.

When couples don’t address these issues and instead push them aside, they can build up over time and create distance between partners. This can lead to a lack of sexual connection and emotional intimacy.

Turning Toward Difficult Feelings with Kindness and Compassion

To maintain a strong sexual connection over time, it’s important for couples to turn toward difficult feelings with kindness and compassion. This means addressing the sleepy hedgehogs head-on and working together to find solutions that work for both partners.

Nagoski emphasizes the importance of choosing to find your way back to each other, even when it feels difficult. By turning toward each other with kindness and compassion, couples can set aside the sleepy hedgehogs and find their way back to the emotional and physical connection that matters most.

In conclusion, making sex a priority and turning toward difficult feelings with kindness and compassion are key to maintaining a strong sexual connection over time. By addressing the challenges that arise in any long-term relationship head-on, couples can deepen their emotional and physical connection and navigate the ups and downs of life together.

The Value of Prioritizing Sex in a Long-Term Relationship

Emily Nagoski explains that the two things couples with strong sexual connections have in common are a strong friendship and a prioritization of sex. Prioritizing sex means choosing to set aside time and energy for it, even when life gets busy. But what is the value of prioritizing sex in a long-term relationship?

The Romance and Sexiness of Choosing Each Other as Priorities

Nagoski argues that there is something incredibly romantic and sexy about choosing each other as priorities, even after many years together. By making the effort to prioritize sex and emotional connection, couples can deepen their bond and create a sense of closeness that can sustain them through life’s challenges.

Choosing each other as priorities also means choosing to work through difficult feelings and issues with kindness and compassion. By turning toward each other and working to set aside the “sleepy hedgehogs” that can build up over time, couples can create a deeper emotional connection and maintain a strong sexual connection over time.

Conclusion: Sustaining a Strong Sexual Connection Over the Long Term

In conclusion, sustaining a strong sexual connection over the long term requires effort and prioritization. By choosing to set aside time and energy for sex and emotional connection, couples can deepen their bond and maintain a strong sexual connection over time.

Nagoski emphasizes the importance of turning toward difficult feelings with kindness and compassion, and choosing each other as priorities even when life gets busy. By working through the challenges that arise in any long-term relationship, couples can create a deep emotional and physical connection that can sustain them through life’s ups and downs.

Ultimately, sustaining a strong sexual connection over the long term requires a commitment to each other and to the relationship. By prioritizing sex and emotional connection, couples can create a deep and meaningful connection that can last a lifetime.

Conclusion

Maintaining a strong sexual connection over the long term is a common concern for many couples. While there is no one-size-fits-all solution, there are some common themes that emerge from experts in the field.

One key theme is the importance of prioritizing sex and emotional connection. This means setting aside time and energy for sex, even when life gets busy, and working through difficult feelings and issues with kindness and compassion.

Another important theme is the value of choosing each other as priorities, even after many years together. By making the effort to deepen emotional and physical connection, couples can sustain a deep bond that can sustain them through life’s challenges.

Finally, experts emphasize the importance of turning toward each other with kindness and compassion when difficult feelings arise. By addressing these issues head-on, couples can create a deeper emotional connection and maintain a strong sexual connection over time.

In the end, sustaining a strong sexual connection over the long term requires commitment and effort. By prioritizing sex and emotional connection, turning toward each other with kindness and compassion, and choosing each other as priorities, couples can create a deep and meaningful connection that can last a lifetime.